So you're dating someone that you really love, and that person loves you too, but you're fighting and arguing constantly. There are more moments of woe and hate than good times. It has even reached the point where you're chatting online with others and hanging out with others. Deep down, you know that both of you will end it, but for whatever reasons, you don't. So you are fighting and making up, and the cycle is repeating itself. It isn't fun, happy, and exciting anymore. The relationship sucks the life out of both of you. Yet neither is able to let go. Why has love got to hurt so much?
We have seen it again and again. Couples hanging on given the fact that they are utterly unhappy and making those around them unhappy is clear. Obviously, the relationship is dead, destructive, and dysfunctional, and even third parties are now involved and used to hurt the other, the couples just won't end it altogether. With many people, this cycle even goes on for years. Why are we letting that happen? Why can't we just end it? Why are we hurting each other so and hurting third parties and using them?
Well, there are many reasons, and we humans don't like change is one of them. The shift is challenging, even though the transition is a positive one. Change is scary. The thought of not having what's comfortable and predictable, although there will be constant drama and pain in the predictable part, it's something we've relied on for a long time and just knowing that the person and routine won't be there for us to "count" on is scary. This fear of change is really afraid of what we don't know.
Another reason people simply won't let go and end an unhealthy relationship is because of selfishness. "Well, I just can't stand the thought of never communicating with him" or "I just can't imagine not having her in my life" or "I have to have him as my friend." That is just pure egotism. Another big reason people maintain a relationship though it's one drama after another and one disappointment after another is that one person still wants to be in the relationship and the other doesn't. Or one partner wants more of a relationship than the other. In this case, both parties will be constantly hurt.
Love hurts someone too much when the demands are too high. Having expectations about all aspects of your life is, of course, human. Unfortunately, some of the expectations people have are simply unrealistic. If the aspirations actually demand so much from another human being, what affects everyone in a relationship is the frustration that follows unmet aspirations.
One way aspirations of love end up hurting people is that no one thinks about them. For example, it may be incredibly important for you to hear from your boyfriend every day. But he cannot read your mind if you don't tell him! But if you're in a serious relationship with your partner, it's good for you to feel confident enough to chat and let him know what your needs are. Give him the chance to give you what you need, rather than just feeling hurt.
Many of us have erroneous beliefs regarding love. This leads us to create false expectations about the experience. We are creating an idealized image in our minds of what we think would be true love, and how it will happen in our lives. The problem is that the reality of true love is much more complicated and very often, far from the perfect experience we want. We are hurt and disappointed when our expectations and the actual love experience clash. We become more vulnerable to pain by constructing a false image of what love would be, simply because we aren't ready for what truth can offer.
This is something of very common concern. Often the wives who approach us on this merely presume their husband is no longer drawn to them. They notice that he does not initiate contact or that he wants to have almost no sex. And, he rarely praises them more on their looks. Other times, the husband has very directly told the wife that he isn't attracted to her anymore. It may be easier to hear these terms than to speculate or wonder.
When we are feeling lonely and sad, we listen to sad songs to soothe our minds. Such songs not only express our sorrow but also give us consolation to the anguish and pain we feel inside. We prefer to listen to sad songs when we’re hurt and feel like our soul is crying out in pain that we can't express ourselves to someone else.
The one thing that's unique about the true love experience is that it allows you to open up to another human being. This act is meant to reveal yourself so that you can get to know the other person. This openness is also expected of you, particularly if you're in a relationship. The downside is that by allowing another person to find out about you, you leave some parts of yourself exposed and completely vulnerable. Should your loved one commit a mistake that could hurt you in many ways? The irony is that the only way you can avoid being hurt by love is by refusing the experience. So the trick is to let love in, do your best to hold it, and if it affects you and always will, just understand that it's part of the journey.
Adam Williams is a recognized dating and relationship expert. Working in the field of online dating and having a degree in Psychology, Adam was always interested in helping people with their relationships. He loves seeing happy couples and felling that he was the one to help them build their happiness. Adam is always happy to share his experience and running a blog on our website.